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The Hot Topic Post - Breastfeeding, Weaning, and Sleep Training
I made the decision to breastfeed Lucy when she was born, but I didn't know how long I would be able to do so. I've been on a maintenance medication for a medical issue I have that I wasn't able to take while nursing. After discussing my options in detail with my doctors, we decided that I would go off of the medication and breastfeed my baby for as long as I was able to do so. At almost eight months in, my symptoms flared up and I had to wean. I'm truly thankful for the time that I was able to feed my baby and have that special bonding experience with her, but it was never easy.
I thought after breastfeeding Violet for almost eight months (I had to wean her because of her medical issues) that it would be easier this time around. In some ways it was, but in other ways it was a completely different experiences. At the beginning her latch felt like razors were grinding back and forth against me. It was incredibly painful - something I never experienced with Violet. Luckily I sought out the help of a lactation specialist and we were able to do a few simple exercises that dramatically improved Lucy's latch. I'm so glad I talked to her because otherwise I don't know how long I would have kept at it. Another big difference was that Lucy almost never fell asleep while nursing, where that was one of the only ways I could get Violet to sleep. Even at night, Lucy would wake up, nurse, and then I would put her back in her bassinet and she'd fall asleep. I think I had a really strong let down, so that may have prevented her from really relaxing while she nursed. I'm very thankful that I never had to deal with supply issues or mastitis or any of the other many more serious issues that many women have to face. It's amazing that something so natural and at one time essential as breastfeeding can be so complicated and difficult.
This time around I weaned much more gradually (with Violet I went cold-turkey) - starting out with replacing one feeding a day with a bottle and slowly working our way up. Although I would have kept breastfeeding if I would have been able to, I was looking forward (or so I thought) to sleeping through the night. My experience with Violet was that she slept much better after switching to formula, but again, it was completely different this time around. If anything I'd say Lucy got worse. She was extremely gassy and started to wake up four times a night. We tried a few different formulas, eventually resorting to Nutramigen, which is hypoallergenic. Even that didn't help.
I finally decided to talk to my pediatrician. I have a lot of trouble asking the advice of pediatricians after what we went through with Violet. I went from completely trusting doctors to feeling like I had to completely ignore their advice and follow my instincts as a mother. It was like they weren't really hearing me, or at least not believing what I told them, and they kept suggesting ridiculous things like putting Violet on acid reflux medication, switching her back onto regular formula, and to continue feeding her solids even though it caused major and very very scary allergic reactions. If I had done any of those things she would have become much much sicker and could potentially have had a life-threatening reaction. We've since switched pediatricians and although I really love our new group, it's been difficult for me to put my trust into the opinions of doctors when it comes to my children.
Nevertheless, I talked to our nurse-practitioner (my favorite member of our practice - she actually recognizes us when we go in, remembers Violet's issues, and seems to genuinely care about my kids and about me), and she suggested that I try a different formula (and gave me samples), as Nutramigen is very expensive and didn't seem to be helping. She also recommended that I push solids more and cut back on the formula a bit. And lastly she suggested that I try some sleep training, as Lucy is old enough to sleep through the night, has no known medical issues, and is the right age for it. I've always felt that sleep training wasn't for me and endured Violet's night waking until well after she turned one (heck, she still comes over to our bed in the middle of the night a lot of nights), and with one child it was doable, but with two kids it's a completely different ball game. I can't nap when Lucy naps during the day because I have Violet, and Violet wants my attention all of the time. I felt like she was getting the short end of the stick with a zombie mom and I was starting to feel mentally and physically not well, so in spite of completely disliking the idea I decided to give it a try.
After looking at a lot of options we've started a modified cry-it-out, where we go in every five to ten minutes to give Lucy back her pacifier and settle her back down. It's been really hard. It feels very unnatural and goes against all of my motherly instincts. I've wondered why it should have to be so unnatural to get your child to sleep at night, but then I realized that a baby sleeping in a crib is not natural at all either, so I guess in a way it makes sense. Co-sleeping is not for us for many reasons - I'm a very light sleeper, Lucy will not go to sleep in our bed (even if I rock her to sleep and lay her down next to me - she always wakes up and gets really really upset), and my children are both very thrashy sleepers. (Plus, of course, it's not recommended due to the fact that it's not as safe, although I would never judge anyone who does co-sleep. It seems like the most natural thing to me, and I'm sure it can be same when done correctly)
When she cries it's really difficult for me not to give up on the idea and go in - the mom hormones start raging and I become a complete basket case, so I decided to put on some white noise for myself (she's always had white noise while she sleeps too), and I often Skype chat with my sister who gives me support. We're currently on night three, and it's been going well. The first night I'm honestly not sure how long it took because I was so tired I was almost falling asleep standing up, but the second night it took 20-25 minutes (with me going in to check on her twice), and she slept through the night until 8:30AM! Tonight it took about 30 minutes (with Kev going in to check on her a few times - we take turns every other night putting the girls to bed - I put Violet to bed one night and he puts Lucy down, and the next night we switch kids). We'll see if the same magic works again.
It's probably the hardest thing I've ever done - I've got extreme mom guilt issues with everything from whether or not I feed my kids organic strawberries to do I play with them enough during the day or if I play with them too much to the point that they live in squalor, to whether I should stay home with them or work to support our family, and I know all of the arguments against cry it out, but I'll just say I'm doing what I feel is best for my family - for all of us to get sleep, and for my girls to have a present, loving, and happy parent during the day. For those who choose not to sleep train I applaud you, for those that have sleep-trained, now I understand.
One important lesson that motherhood has taught me is that every family is different and that I should not judge the choices of other mothers and fathers - they're probably doing the best they can for their family. Breastfeeding or bottle feeding, co-sleeping or crib sleeping, sleep training or not, working outside of the home or staying at home, we're all just doing the best we can.
My daughter is 18 months old and was still not sleeping through the night. As much as I hated every minute of it we did a modified cry-it-out method just the other week. I was at the point of not knowing what else to do and was tired of being a zombie. It only took a night or two and things are so much better now! As moms we just have to do what if right for us and our family.
ReplyDeleteI know it's just horrible. I'm actually feeling semi-human again! And Lucy doesn't seem to hate me in the morning, so I keep telling myself - it's only 10 or 15 minutes at bedtime each night instead of her having her sleep and my sleep interrupted 4-5 times a night!
DeleteHang in there, Lauren! Whatever you are doing for your girls, you are doing with love which is what they need to feel safe and happy! I too struggle with the number of options when it comes to parenting. Sometimes I wish someone would just tell me what to do so that I don't have to try a billion different things before something feels right. We just started feeding our 6 month baby solids and I thought I wanted to try baby led weaning. So far it's going OK, but after a week or so, we are doing a combo of both finger foods and purees. Something so simple as eating has once again turned me into an anxious wreck because I want to do what is going to be best for Nora. I remembered you said you were thinking of trying BLW- how is it going for you? Thanks for writing such honest posts. I really enjoy your blog! :)
ReplyDeleteI feel exactly the same way - why can't someone just tell me the answer? I've stressed myself out about BLW vs. purees too - mostly because I don't want to hurt her digestive system or turn her into a picky eater haha. We've ended up doing a combination, but she seems to like real food best (rather than purees) I cut it up a lot smaller than the BLW folks recommend though because I couldn't hand the gag reflex - totally freaked me out!
DeleteI completely agree with you. The best advice I feel I have ever given other Moms is to do what is right for their family!
ReplyDeleteDefinitely!
DeleteThank you for these words of wisdom. I had my brand new baby on Friday and am reading this post in the midst of sorting out our family life, our baby's needs, my mental and physical health, etc. love your blog!
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on your baby! I'm glad Lucy's at a point where she's not a helpless newborn or tiny infant anymore and I know she'll be okay if I let her put herself to sleep at night, but it doesn't make it any easier! I hope your baby ends up being a better sleeper than mine have been :)
DeleteIt gives me digestive support and is completely full of natural energy. Toss in some protein and my requirements are complete.
ReplyDeleteUgh, I can relate to the guilt.
ReplyDeleteMy 7 month old breastfed daughter has Milk Protein Intolerance but is also very sensitive to even trace amounts of soy, wheat, quinoa and legumes. When I tried the Total Elimination Diet a few months ago, she got worse, which leads me to believe there are more sensitivities. I remember my son having some reactions (I couldn't properly identify them at the time) but I'm quite sure his sensitivities resolved by the time he was 6 months old. Sometimes, I look in the pantry or fridge and there is NOTHING I can eat, which inevitably leads to some sort of eat-cheating (meaning, a kind bar, not a latte... and when I do and she reacts, oh the guilt!)
My son was not a sleeper. He would wake at least every 2-3 hours. He woke up at least once a night until he was 2, which is when I weaned him. I was lucky though that I didn't have to work. My daughter on the other hand, slept 10 hours a night from the time she was a month old. However, she's been up twice a night for the past couple of months, which leads me to fear I will have the same kind of sleeper on my hands again! I really don't want to resort to co-sleeping again!!
I have had feeding issues with both of my children. I formula fed both my children from the beginning because it was the best option for us. My son had a traumatic birth and he lost his instinct to suck swallow breath. It took 4 nurses to figure out what was wrong and they told me it was a good thing that I didn't bother to breast feed because he never would have done it. I sleep strained him (or he sleep trained us) because he was a very regimented child. He naturually wanted a schedule and heaven forbid you deveate from it. At 6 years old he is still that way. My daughter wanted to breast feed (to the point that she often tried to latch through my clothes) but I was going back to work and felt that formula was best; I didn't want the stress of pumping or weening that early. By the time she was 3 months old I figured out she was lactose intolerant. The doctor didn't believe me but I told her what I observed and she eventually told me I was right. Sleep training happened very naturally for my family. Because of our family schedule (there are 7 of us) she was on a schedule for sleeping that flexed with her developemental needs, so I essentially sleep trained right away but I never let her cry for more then 5 minutes without comfort until she was 9 months old, then I stretched it out. Now she is 18 months old and when I tell her it's time for nigh-night she takes off down the hall and waits next to her crib. She still cries about it after I leave the room ( I don't think they ever like bedtime) but she knows its coming and doesn't fight me. Every family is different and I don't think sleep training is at all unnatural, it's just hard to hear them cry. Over time I learned the difference between the "I don't want to go to bed cry" and the "I'm scared/pain cry" and that made a huge difference in how I handle it. Now I only go in her room when I hear the I'm scared/pain cry". Sorry if I'm rambling but I guess the point is...You're doing a great job because you cared enough to think it through and feel out what was right for you.
ReplyDeleteI think every parent has guilt over some thing or another. We sleep trained my 8 month old about 2 months ago. We did cry it out at 5 and 10 minute intervals as well. The first night I cried right along with him. But teaching him to fall asleep in his crib rather than having to be rocked to sleep was the best thing we did! Good luck to you!
ReplyDeleteYou are actually doing what is best for Lucy by letting her put herself to sleep. Everyone needs to learn to fall asleep and stay asleep on their own. Our bodies need this ability. We are better rested and healthier overall when we have uninterrupted slumber. We catered to our daughter's every night time whim and she was a horrific sleeper for many years. She is 12 now and still tosses and turns all night. I truly believe it is because we kept her from learning to put herself to sleep.
ReplyDelete1) You are fantastic. Know that. You're a great mom and are clearly doing your best to make sure everyone in your family is taken care of, including yourself, which is so important.
ReplyDelete2) I have one great sleeper and one TERRIBLE sleeper. Sleep training never worked with my first because she would cry so hard she'd make herself throw up. When baby #2 started sleeping through the night at only a few months old, I realized that some kids just figure it out and other kids don't, and I shouldn't beat myself up for not being able to change their temperaments. We make it work, regardless. But that sleep training mommy guilt? Ugh. I hate it. Good luck, dear.
All of this is so true - and I never felt it so strongly until I had a second baby who proved - as I feared he might - that I don't know all that much about raising a baby :) Hang in there mama! You are doing a great job!
ReplyDeleteYou might like this book :http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0071381392/ref=as_li_qf_sp_asin_il_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=0071381392&linkCode=as2&tag=lashouonthebl-20
ReplyDeleteMy little one has always had a less than desirable sleeping routine and one of our setbacks was that she was actually sleep deprived! I never would have thought of it unless I had read some helpful books that taught me more than I ever knew about sleep. :) Sleepless in America is another great book about sleep.